It's a Hard Knock Life
by Running Ninja
Summary: Back in his house in Hateno, Link tells Zelda stories over a moonshine he made himself…on accident. Out of triple-distilled chuchu jelly. Hilarity and near-confessions ensue. Post-game BOTW. Zelink, probably. Rated T for questionable life choices.


**It's a Hard Knock Life – Time to Knock Something Back**

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild Fanfic

100 years ago the world had effectively ended, and just today it had fixed itself up again. Link had talked Zelda out of heading straight for Zora's domain and coaxed her into following him to his house in Hateno. It was humble, homey. Not much of a place for a princess, but Zelda couldn't care less. Enthralled at her newfound freedom, not just from Ganon but also from the weight of being royalty, she smiled as she walked inside, gawking at the wooden walls, plain furniture, and weapon hangings. She loved it, commonness, mildly threatening nature and all. It also helped that it didn't smell of malice, unlike the place she'd been for the last 100 years. In fact, the whole kingdom was free of that purple stuff, all thanks to Link.

In celebration of 100 his entire life up to that point, Link dished out his best ingredients and between Zelda's cooking education and Link's knowledge from experimentation, they cobbled together a feast. The last bits of it, bird bones picked clean and the dirty dishes, were still on the table.

They had talked politely about the house they sat in, the food they ate—but there was one thing they barely touched on: what the hell had Link been doing for the past year(s)? Set an amnesiac warrior with an ego-inducing inner voice into the world and what happens next?

A video game, of course, but that is besides the point.

"So, Link," Zelda said, "You really must tell me more about your adventures."

"Yes, princess," Link met her with a fool-hardy smile. "I would be happy too. But first, I would like to share a drink with you." He stood and walked—no, sauntered might be a better word-over to his cabinet.

"A drink?" Zelda raised an eyebrow. "What kind?"

"I am going to have you taste it first before I tell you." Link grinned. He pulled a bottle and two dusty looking drinking glasses out of the cabinet. Vaguely blue and rather viscous liquid sloshed inside the bottle. He twisted the cork off. "This is a new batch." He took a smell, grimaced and leaned his head away. "It's ready! I make this myself."

"You…made that?"

"Yes. I can't quite say why, but I like it." He poured her a glass and slid it across the table. He then filled his own fuller than hers.

Zelda watched the blue blobs jiggle at the bottom of the glass. She took a sniff. Eugh.

Link took a sip. "Huh," he said. "It's not as strong as last time."

Zelda inspected the glass. The blue blobs had stopped moving, at least. She raised the glass to her lips and swallowed some. She coughed. And kept coughing.

Link's eyes bulged and he immediately leapt up and ran to her. "Zelda, are you okay?!"

Her coughing fit became hoarse laughter.

"Link! That is too much! Oh, goddesses…What are you trying to do, kill me?"

Link's stance loosened. "Glad you're okay." He went back to his seat. "For a second I thought I'd saved the princess of Hyrule only to inadvertently poison you."

Zelda's eyes were watery, from laughing, but also maybe from the drink. "What the heck is in this?"

Link couldn't help but smile at her. And keep smiling.

"You didn't answer my question." Zelda said, still coughing a little. "What is in this?"

"I call it fairy juice. It's triple distilled chu chu jelly. Today it's blue chu chu jelly."

Zelda squinted at what was left in her glass. Sure enough, the blue bits here and there looked like specks of chu chu. "Chu chu jelly? How is that edible?!"

"It's good for you!" Link said, "It makes all kinds of elixirs, and the blue stuff is basically elemental water. It's a lot smoother than stewing monster horns or things. The horns and talons and things are just too dirty to mix with something you will eventually drink. And keese wings have this downy peach fuzz or something on them that you can't get out of the potion. You always get tiny hairballs from those elixirs."

"Really? You drink monster parts?"

"Yeah. For elixirs you stew them with bugs or lizards and it gives you different powers and strengths. Remember that time on Irch plain forever ago when you tried to get me to eat a tireless frog?"

"Yes! I remember that. You couldn't run away me because it was your duty to stay by my side. Gosh, by the end you were really blushing. When you finally spoke you said you'd rather try it another time."

"Well," Link said, "I have tried it. In an elixir, it's not bad. I do not recommend eating the frogs by themselves, though. Two squishy to eat raw, too rubbery to eat cooked."

Zelda knew proper royalty would be horrified, but she burst out laughing. "Link," she said. "You really are something."

"Thank you, princess." He smiled.

She blushed. "So, what gave you the idea for…fairy juice, did you say?"

"Well, I had a lot of blue chu chu jelly—like, a LOT—and I left it cooking in a pot overnight while I slept. I don't really know why, but I put it in, covered the pot with a lid and then just slept. And in the morning the steam that came off of that thing was strong enough to kill a hinox. So next time, I messed with it a little, kept it covered, re-distilled it a few times, bottled it, and ended up with fairy juice."

"So, why the name 'fairy juice'?"

"After the great fairies. This…this isn't a pleasant thing, your highness, but they are rather crude people. All I wanted to do was upgrade my gear, and all they wanted was, well, something else. I used the fairy juice to, uh, de-stress about the whole thing. Honestly, I know this is bad, but it helped me a few times to just get blackout drunk before going to see them. You remember a lot less, and all your gear is upgraded when you wake up."

Zelda's eyes froze wide open. "The…great fairies?"

"Yeah, they'd rough me up pretty badly. At first it was just blowing me kisses and things, but then they would get wayyyyy too close or drag me into the fountain and…it's the kind of thing you would rather not remember."

Zelda stared at him. Somehow, Link was smiling, though his eyes didn't crinkle at the edges. But then he saw how concerned her eyes were and stopped smiling altogether.

"Link, you shouldn't have had to do those things. Something is wrong with those fairies if… if it is what you made it sound like."

Link rubbed his neck. "It's better than dying, you know. They were just touchy-feely. Very touchy-feely. But, there are so many ways the wild can kill you. I needed all of that increased defense from the enhanced armor. Oh, Hylia, do I have stories! Lots of them, and a lot of nearly dying. There are so many ways to die out there. Honestly, I don't know how I am still alive. You uh… you can't see it and you probably shouldn't, but I've got a wicked tree shaped scar on my back from being hit by lightning in Faron."

"Lightning?"

"Yeah, there's this shrine that can only be accessed by drawing lightning to the shrine spot. So, I drank all my best elixirs, gritted my teeth, stood on top of the shrine, and equipped a metal sword during a thunderstorm."

"You… you did what?"

"I got hit by lightning. On purpose. It hurt. It really hurt. But I survived. I had a fairy and it revived me. But I got burned bad. I still have the scar to show for it. It's this wicked burn all the way down my back. It branches out like a tree where the electricity entered my body. It was hard to do anything for like two weeks. Armor hurt like hell. I limped along and did a few little things but honestly I spent most of it cowering in a bed in at Lakeside Stable flat on my stomach. There was a nice lady there who put some cooling salves on my back. Made everything a lot easier. I later found out that I could have waited and used Urbosa's Thunder Helm to become lightning proof, but since I didn't know about that then I decided to just take one for the team. And that's just one of the ways to die—getting caught in a thunderstorm while wearing metal."

Zelda looked down at her glass, and fiddled with it in on the table, nervous. How exactly, was Link so kamikaze… and why? Did he have no fear of death? But she moved past that and put on a smile, and said, "So… how many ways are there to die, actually? Let me say I have scientific interest in the topic, and you are my first research subject."

Link grinned. "So, is your hypothesis about luck of the wild? Because that's the only reason I stand—well, sit—here before you."

"Do tell." She smiled.

"Okay, ways to die: killed by cuccos—"

Zelda looked a little horrified.

"—trampled by a bull, mauled by a bear, eaten by wolves, crushed by boulders—"

Zelda immediately regretted this research topic. It was painful to even think about. Cuccos? How?

"Freezing to death, dying of heat stroke, lightning—obviously—and burning to death by getting too close to lava, and, oh yeah, falling or stepping in the lava itself. I stepped in lava once. My, uh, my left leg is never really going to be the same. It uh, looks kind of like the surface of the moon now. Works fine though. After it healed I used it as a punchline in a lot of jokes I told the Gorons about Hylians and lava. They thought it was funny. Mostly. One goron gave me free armor and told me to be careful out there."

Zelda nervously looked at Link's legs, which he had propped up on the table amid the dirty dishes. They didn't look abnormal, but she couldn't see any skin, just trousers and boots. He was leaning back in his chair, smiling as he recounted his memories. His glass was half empty. It had been pretty full to start. Zelda looked down at her own glass. She'd only had that one sip. Even though the stuff was strong, she took another swallow, and coughed some, but moved on. This was hard stuff to hear, after all. Heavy drink for a heavy topic.

"And then there's the enemies," Link continued. "You could be killed by moblins, a bokoblin camp, lizalfos, wizrobes, octoroks, chu chus—cheers—" he raised his glass and took a drink, "—Stalnoxes, molduga, a stone talus can crush you, igneo taluses can set you on fire and frost taluses can just freeze you, a hinox could whack you with a fallen tree, a lynel—oh goddesses, don't get me started on lynels—a lynel could kill you with just about any attack. I have literally jumped off cliffs to avoid those things. And then there are the guardians. Guardian stalkers, flying guardians, and those scouts the monks had me fight to prove my strength—honestly, I know those monks died meditating and committed themselves to helping me, but if I'm honest, Zelda, it's a little hard to be grateful sometimes. I have no idea how they expected me to beat some of those shrines. Especially the ones where they rolled giant spiked metal balls at me. Like, come on, give a man a break, he just wants to save the princess."

Zelda smiled. She took another drink. It went to her head. Link was cute, wasn't he? Sure, he had definitely taken a few blows to the face, but he was a rugged kind of cute.

"And, after the shrines and guardians and malice and all the Calamity things, there's the weather—"

Link was very dedicated to saving his princess, no matter what harm that brought him, Zelda thought. Maybe he was a bit too dedicated. No, he was definitely a bit too dedicated.

"—Heat and fire, sure, I mentioned that, but also cold and ice. Armor saves lives, but you don't always have it, especially not at first when you wander somewhere new."

But, he'd done a great job saving Hyrule, and all this was for her… she tried not to think about it too much. She took another swallow of the moonshine. It was kind of growing on her. She could see why he liked it.

"—And armor doesn't even work in freezing water. Fall in that stuff for too long, and it's hopeless. Oh, and the stupidest thing—this drove me crazy—the stupidest way to die is by climbing in the rain."

"…Climbing in the rain?"

"Yes. I had to scale all these cliffs, right? Mountains, towers, everything. Lots of grip work. But then the rain makes everything slick. Absolutely no traction. You just fall and die."

"…Really?"

"Oh, absolutely. I learned the hard way on the Great Plateau, nearly broke my back. After that, I'd just camp out on the nearest ledge and wait until the rain was gone. But one time, I had to scale the left eye of Skull Lake, and that thing is way too tall to climb from the bottom. So I paraglided in halfway up. I was two thirds of the way up and had just enough stamina food to make it to the top. If I dropped down I would be trapped. And it started to rain. I was mid climb! No ledges to speak of! So I didn't move. I hung on to that cliff for dear life and didn't dare try climbing any higher until the rain passed."

"How…how long were you there?"

"About three hours before the rain stopped and the cliff face dried off. That's Akkala for you."

"…You clung to a cliff face for three hours?"

"Yes."

"Are…are you okay, Link?"

"…I think so."

Zelda watched him. "I could never be you," she said, leaning back in her chair.

"Good thing you never need to." He cocked a smile.

"Well, Link, you certainly are very brave."

"Yeah? I think it's the fairy juice making you say that."

"Link! This is not my first drink! And do you see how full this glass is? I've only had like three sips! And I know how to drink. I snuck into the royal distillery with my music tutor once, I will have you know. We were fourteen."

Link's jaw dropped. "Wait a minute, you _snuck_ into the _royal distillery?_ With your _music tutor?_ I… I never would have expected it of you. What made you do it?"

"You know, so much pressure, such a stern father…my tutor thought it would be good to relax, and he happened to know how to break into the distillery."

"Ok, that's a weird thing to happen to know. But let me get this straight—a Sheikah guy your age convinced you to follow him to sneak off and go steal alcohol from your father's personal distillery?"

Zelda nodded.

"Did you get caught?"

"Well…" Zelda giggled, "We uh, we were found." She blushed.

Link raised his eyebrows.

"No, not like that!" she kicked Link under the table.

"Ouch!" He grabbed his leg. She had a good kick.

"How dare you, Link, supposing that kind of thing of your princess." She sounded stern, but was also grinning.

Link smiled back. "You never finished your story."

"Well, so the head of the distillery found us. But my tutor heard him coming and hid me behind a rack of barrels. Then he took all the blame himself for the bottles we'd opened. He had to clean out old barrels or something for three months! He barely had time to sleep! He was kind, though. He'd taken me there to give me a break. He hadn't really been drinking, or even thinking about himself. And I was such a lightweight… I could barely keep quiet while hiding. When he took me back, he told my attendants I wasn't feeling well and was sick. I was woozy and nauseous and looked the part. So they let me sleep. I was still 'sick' in the morning, obviously."

"Wow. I never… I never would have pegged you for someone to sneak around and do that kind of thing. But your tutor, he seems like a good guy. I met his apprentice, actually. Kass. He lives in Rito village with his family… Kass also told me that his tutor was in love with you."

Zelda blushed a little, but then looked sad. "You know, looking back, I can see that." She tapped her glass. "He was so kind… he always had the best intentions at heart. He just wanted me to be happy, even if it cost him."

"He spent his life after the Calamity tracking down info on shrines and trying to make sure you could be saved by the hero."

Zelda's eyes grew sad. She looked up at Link. "Saved by you, Link."

"Yeah, me… about that…" Link snickered. "Kass said his tutor knew you only had eyes for your appointed knight." He raised his eyebrows.

"Link! You are a little forward!"

"I am drinking straight moonshine."

"That you are! Is it time to add this fairy juice to the list of things that have nearly killed you? Or do I have to add myself to the list?"

Link laughed. He also knew that she hadn't confirmed or denied anything, so he smiled even more, and raised his eyebrows at her. It startled her.

"So, hero," Zelda said, clearing her throat and moving on, "what else has nearly killed you?" she felt her face get hot and hoped Link wouldn't notice.

"Gosh, the Yiga Clan," Link said. "They can be brutal, and after I killed their leader they made it their mission to track me to the ends of Hyrule. They made traveling much more difficult. Also, I don't think they die, they just teleport out or something. So, fighting them just seems silly, because you will always have to do it again. And some of them have these windcleavers that can kill you in one hit."

"I remember the Yiga," Zelda said. "They are terrifying. They almost caught me outside of Kara Kara Bazaar, way back before any of this."

"I remember that time," Link said.

Zelda's eyes caught his. He was smiling quietly. He might not remember much about Hyrule before the Calamity, but in some ways that was good for him, Zelda thought. It was less to grieve, honestly. He only remembered her and the Champions. She had a whole kingdom of people she remembered and had to mourn. For her, Link was the only one she didn't have to miss, because he was right here.

She was also eternally grateful that he had also forgotten his terrible habit of never talking. She liked hearing the sound of his voice, and his stories, even if they did deeply concern her. She didn't really want to think much about the burn scar on his leg so bad it looked like it had craters in it, though she would be interested to see his lightning scar, if she was honest… she started blushing again. She knew he was watching her, and that made it worse.

"Link," she said, "I am glad that we get to spend time like this, just talking. This never could have happened the way things were before, when I was royalty and you weren't even nobility."

"Yeah," Link said. "It's just us now." He was watching her and grinning.

"Link, quit looking at me like that!"

"What, your highness, I was just looking at you!"

"But it's—Link! You know what I mean!"

Link laughed. "Okay, princess, you can look at me too. Want to see my leg?"

"Link, no!"

"Come on, it's not too bad. It's getting less blotchy everyday." He grabbed his pant leg and started to roll it up.

"Link, that's terrible!"

"That means it's getting better! And, your highness, you have to see my leg first before you can see the scar on my back…"

"Link! How dare you! If you weren't the only other person in Hyrule who knew who I am then you would be so dead!" Her voice was practically squeaking in outrage.

"Ah, that's no big deal. Just another thing to add to the list."

"Link!"

"Were you counting how many ways there are to die? I bet you weren't. You need this for your experiment. Want to hear it again? Want to see my leg?"

"Link, no! As princess, I command you to stop!"

Link stopped immediately. He rolled his pant leg back down. He had a huge, goofy, I've-had-a-lot-of-moonshine smile on his face. His glass was empty.

Though she was a little exasperated, Zelda saw his smile and just started to laugh. "Link," she said, giggling, "Link you are the most ridiculous attending knight ever."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

Zelda smiled.

"Joking aside," Link said, "I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Yes, just to hurt yourself."

Link burst out laughing. "You got that one right!"

"…And for all that work the Sheikah put in," Zelda said, thinking. "We should probably go make sure that resurrection shrine still works."

* * *

Author note: 

Anybody else have a favorite liquor that is waaaaaay stronger than their actual personality? No, just me? And a lot of you are under 21? Okay. Nevermind.

Inspiration cred: this fic was inspired by a hilarious botw montage, which I cannot stop watching. It's called "It's hard" and is by Paper Ark on youtube. The link won't work on ffnet because of their security protocols, but if you want to search it, its funny. Enjoy!

If you guys want more of this, subscribe. I can't promise a finished multi-chapter fic, but I've got a second and third chapter to this. If enough of you guy would like it, then I might post them. I delayed posting this for months because I wanted it to be part of a bigger fic, but honestly its written like a standalone oneshot. But if you guys want some follow up chapters, I introduce a little plot, the Yiga show up, Link has to confront his amnesia in the Zora domain, etc. Oh, and they have a dog. Of course. Thanks for reading!

Peace, Ninja


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